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Our Desire to Belong

michelle m. davis

It feels good to be part of the gang, a member of “the club.” But the desire to belong can be more than spending time with like-minded people. Often, we crave the security and acceptance that comes with belonging to a group.

 

Humans are wired this way because our early ancestors couldn’t survive on their own. They needed their tribe for safety and sustenance. Rejection from the group meant isolation and death.

 

But what about today? We no longer depend on tribes to provide shelter, food, and protection. So, why is it so crucial to belong?

 

I’ve often wondered about this. For years, group dynamics confused me. Perhaps it’s due to being an only child. As a kid, I felt more comfortable around adults than my peers. The rules were different. Adults made sense. 

 

That could be what prompted me to lean toward choosing for myself instead of always following “group think.” Yet, doing so becomes tricky, as conformity can be a prerequisite for acceptance, especially during the teenage years. I guess that’s why I’d frequently find myself in a conundrum. Should I go along with my friends or remain true to myself? Belonging was important to me. I wanted to be included.

 

Growing up in a small community, many of my kindergarten classmates graduated from high school with me. I had very nice friends, yet I’m not so sure I ever truly fit in. Instead, I gravitated toward the local YMCA’s “Running Club.” By far the youngest “member” (most were in their twenties or thirties), I vibed with these people. I could be myself without fear of judgment. In no way could I do that with my high school friends.

 

During college, I spent my time between two groups and a serious boyfriend. Convinced I preferred the diversity this offered, maybe deep down I wanted to know that if there was conflict with one, I’d still belong someplace else. However, looking back, I only showed up fully in my romantic relationship, not in either of the groups. Maybe I was more of a loner that I wanted to admit—or perhaps guys were easier for me to be around.

 

Fast forward to my sixties … I could share countless stories of “groups gone bad,” as well as “fitting in” and “falling out.” Yet when I examine what was underneath the drama, I think a lot was due to women’s fear of being accepted as their true selves. At least I know it was for me. Sometimes it was easier to put on a mask and meet group expectations than to show up as myself.   

 

Most of the compromises were minor. I’d hold my tongue or agree to something I wasn’t in full alignment to. If I conformed to group think and behavior, then I’d belong, right?

 

Trying to fit in is certainly normal. But there comes a point when the masks we wear become stifling, preventing us from using our voices for fear of being ostracized. I wish I would have figured this out earlier. No doubt, it would have saved a great deal of trouble, as well as time wasted trying to be someone I was not.

 

Now this is not to imply that I haven’t been part of incredible groups. There have been many situations when I’ve felt at ease showing up as my true self. However, that was not always the case. Unsure whether it’s due to personal evolution, or turning sixty and not giving a $#)@, something’s shifted. My need to belong isn’t so strong. Sure, I love being included and value my friendships. But being identified with a particular group no longer matters. It’s the individuals in my life that are most important to me. And I’ve learned the hard way that if I can’t be who I am for fear of rejection, then it’s not where I’m meant to be. It’s as simple as that.

 

Does not belonging equal rejection?

 

Sometimes we link not belonging to rejection. However, this belief sends an inaccurate message, implying something is wrong with us. What if we’re just not a good match? Maybe nothing’s wrong? Could it be we just are not in alignment?

 

Instead of making it about us—or judging others—could we reframe the situation?

 

What if we accepted ourselves and others as we are? Doing so honors every person without asking anyone—including ourselves—to change. Making this shift in perspective encourages everyone to speak their truths and follow their dreams, unfazed by how others might respond.

 

We can certainly enjoy, care for, and have fun our friends without “belonging” to any group. Of course, you may be lucky enough to be part of a group that fits you perfectly. If so, know how lucky you are!

 

Yet, if you’ve struggled with fitting in, know that when we have the courage to step aside the norm to follow our path, we may discover what we’ve been searching for all along … not to belong, but to uncover our purpose. After all, isn’t that why we’re here?

 

 

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