Analyzing Achievement

For years, I believed high expectations held the key to success. A classic overachiever and people pleaser, for me, the outcome mattered more than the process. As long as I earned that “A,” I wasn’t too concerned whether I memorized or mastered the content. And if I won the tennis match, the percentage of first serves in or the number of backhands missed weren’t too important. Achievement mattered most.

I always set the bar high. But whenever I met it, I'd raised the stakes, forcing myself to work harder. This process continued into adulthood. Underneath, maybe I feared others might view me as a failure, less than, or not good enough if I didn’t keep striving to be the best.

Yet it’s become clear that many of my lofty goals put me in positions when I had to abandon my true self and morph into another version—wearing whatever mask I needed to meet my expectations. Doing so kept me serious, unable to appreciate the humor—or humanness—in situations. I missed out on understanding the gray in life. Often, achieving my aspirations forced me to choose principles over relationships. Let’s just say that didn’t always end well.

Where did these expectations come from? And why do they hold such power over us?

Many are inherited from parents, teachers, friends, or figures of authority held in esteem. Too often, we adopt others’ beliefs, convinced they are ours. But are they? If not, then what do we desire? To honor our true aspirations, we must first identify then let go of what no longer resonates.

Of course, striving for external rewards has its merits. Yet, recently, meeting measurable outcomes isn’t as satisfying as it once was. Maybe that’s why I’ve struggled to set goals for this year. As much as I’d hoped something would excite me, nothing has. In fact, this lack of aspirations stressed me out. What happened to my drive to excel? Why didn’t I want to write another book? And while maintaining strength, flexibility, and endurance is important, there was no motivation to test myself with an athletic challenge. I didn't even feel called to attend a yoga retreat or spiritual workshop. Let's just say I’ve been at loss as to what to “do next.”

However, yesterday, an answer surfaced. It wasn’t achievement my heart yearned for. I craved something deeper. Something unseen, immeasurable. What I desired could only happen on the inside … peace … alignment …connection.

What if we allow our goals to look different than they have in the past, exploring new areas of growth and elevation? Instead of creating, producing, or achieving, can we find ways to lessen those moments of frustration, uncertainty, fear, or doubt? Are we willing to strengthen our relationships, speak with grace, hold compassion for ourselves and others? And if so, will doing so have greater benefits than any certificate, recognition, or accolade?  

For me, this meant getting honest with myself. Where was I holding myself back? What kept me from feeling aligned? And what caused me to become stuck in my head when I really wanted to be in my heart?

While the answers are still emerging, it’s clear this work ahead is subtle, requiring small shifts. Baby steps. It’s not starting over, rather this necessitates softening the monkey mind and flowing with life. Self-compassion. Forgiveness. Acceptance. All are necessary to find regulation, contentment, growth, and joy.

Nothing outside of me will signal whether I’ve achieved these new goals. But that’s OK. I’m learning to look within, trusting I know whether or not I’m on the correct path and realizing success may no longer look as it once did.