Living the Lives We Think We Should

Last night I watched Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Even though I’ve seen this movie multiple times, a particular line, spoken by Albus Dumbledore, caused me to pause:

"It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.”

Why didn’t I remember this quote? Perhaps it passed unnoticed because I was not yet ready to embrace its significance. This made me wonder …

When have my choices aligned to my true self, and when did I make decisions based on how I thought my life should be?

For years, I relied on my strengths to determine “what’s next.” Sure, I consciously chose the most important things to me … like who I married and whether to have kids. However, my aptitude and abilities influenced where I went to college, what I majored in, and to which businesses I sent my “carefully curated” resume. Somehow the more subtle choices—the ones that didn’t seem important when we’re young yet hold great relevance over time, such as learning for the sake of learning instead of for the grade—evaded me. I guess I was too focused on who I thought I was supposed to be that I forgot to check in with who I was and what felt right.

No doubt the vision of my “future self” ignited my decisions. While I don’t regret the path I took, I’ve come to realize that being honest with who I am and what I desire promotes conscious choice. This is the antidote to doing what we think we should.

Perhaps this pattern of "following the shoulds" began in high school. Being a people pleasing over-achiever, I felt compelled to choose a highly academic college, one that promised a path to success. But what exactly did success mean? I never considered this question nor wondered what would make me happy. Instead, I assessed my strengths and let them guide me forward, believing they’d point me toward the life I should lead.

Looking back, majoring in finance—as well as attending Lehigh University—did not align with my true self. I wasn’t naturally competitive … I taught myself this strategy so I could succeed in a Ieft-brain dominate world. I belonged at a liberal arts school where I could utilize my creativity and intuition. But I was mathematically inclined and determined to work for a large corporation with a high paying salary. More importantly, I never paused long enough to question what type of job or lifestyle I’d enjoyed. I was too focused on who I thought I should be and what I thought I should do.

While somewhat coveted, my first job in banking was a poor choice for me. I didn’t see the relevance in what I did. I wanted to make a difference, and it was clear I could not do so in this position. Luckily, this discontentment led to valuable insights and saying yes to getting my master’s in education.

Truthfully, the younger version of me never would have been an education major in college. She didn’t understand the need for highly qualified teachers. In fact, she didn’t even know how to connect with kids. For her, Lehigh’s College of Business and Economics held clout … and that meant a lot. Teaching did not.

But don’t many in their late teens and early twenties have misplaced values and lack confidence to choose from the heart instead of the head? Sadly, I couldn't shake the feeling that I'd failed ... and what I thought I should do didn't make me happy.

But it was more than not living up to a standard I’d set. Despite the joy I experienced as a classroom teacher, I felt “less than” around my college friends, constantly justifying my decision. I’d chosen a new path, one that didn’t fit with the life I was living. Still, something inside told me I was meant to teach.. I didn’t know it then, but I recognize it now … this was my soul’s calling.

Making a significant shift toward our authentic desires and purpose can come at a high price. It’s often easier to convince ourselves to stay the course, resigned that those earlier decisions were truly in our best interest.

Then life becomes busy … working, making friends, starting a family, feeling financial pressures. We continue to choose what’s logical, relying on our innate abilities to guide us forward. We have bills to pay, deadlines to meet, kids’ activities to attend.

Yet we ignore the soft whispers of our soul, denying the sensation that something’s missing. And so we measure ourselves against those around us, wondering if we’re good enough, successful enough, attractive enough. Too often, we think we’re not, causing more self-doubt and confusion. A tumble weed effect occurs.

However, if we’re lucky, we pause to consider whether where we’re headed is truly where we want to go. That’s when the lightbulb goes off … illuminating how our vision of what should be doesn’t need to happen. It’s in these moments of surrender and vulnerability that options appear. Yes, taking a new and unknown path sounds risky.  But we finally realize we get to choose. And with this understanding comes a wave of freedom, something we’d lost when we committed to living the life we thought we should.

Suddenly, we trust our intuition, embrace uncertainty, and release those limiting beliefs that have kept us stuck on a trajectory we longed to abandon. Fully accepting that people can change, we see it’s how we show up to meet our “what’s next” that determines the level of happiness we experience … not how good we are at something or how determined we are at making it work.

Life grants us multiple intersections where we are met with decisions, allowing us to consciously choose. Do we opt for more of the same, or might we explore the road less traveled? While there’s rarely a right or wrong choice, honoring our truth as we pick our next step increases the odds of fulfillment and happiness.

Are you living the path you chose or the one that you thought you should? Are there any changes you can make to honor your true self and feel more closely aligned with your soul?

Stepping out of the lines is uncomfortable, but it can be one of the most empowering experiences. Let's all make choices that reflect who we truly are. Life is too short to choose based on shoulds.