Happiness Is an Inside Job

“The courage to be happy also includes the courage to be disliked. When you have gained that courage, your interpersonal relationships will all at once change into things of lightness.”—Ichiro Kishimi, The Courage to Be Disliked: The Japanese Phenomenon That Shows You How to Change Your Life and Achieve Real Happiness

Wait … who is OK with being disliked?

But what if Kishimi’s theory is accurate? Could true happiness evade us because deep down, we struggle with the fear of being unpopular?

Whether we wear masks, adapt to group norms, or find ourselves people pleasing, it’s human nature to desire acceptance. In fact, many spend a lifetime hoping to achieve this. The mere thought of friends or family members not liking us feels awful.

Yet, when we shape shift to please others, we deny who we truly are. While this may “keep the peace,” it’s really giving away our power. We can’t be happy if how we’re showing up is not in alignment with our authentic self.

So, who are we if we’re not how we appear to others?

Questioning our truth and hoping to gain insights about what’s “underneath” begins the path to self-discovery. Buckle up! This journey can be quite disconcerting, even jolting at times. Delving into our past may cause us to become uncertain about the path ahead. Maybe we see where we’ve given away our power, consciously or unconsciously. Or perhaps we begin “connecting the dots,” better understanding why we are the way we are.

But here’s the good news … once we’re aware of these patterns and behaviors, we can then reset and choose differently. That’s when the sparkly self within feels safe to appear and we begin to give power to who we truly are.

Still, finding our happiness rarely happens overnight. It takes practice and time to materialize. Consistently showing up in our authenticity is not only challenging for us, but it can also be confusing for family and friends. They’re used to who we’ve always been, doing what we’ve always done. When we shift and behave in a way that feels aligned to our true nature, we may appear unfamiliar to others. No longer can they predict our actions. Often, discord follows …

Why are you behaving this way?

You’re only thinking of yourself?

You’re not the person you used to be.

These reactions are common. They can’t figure us out, anticipate our next move, or make sense of our behavior. Perhaps there’s even a tinge of resentment as they’ve lost their ability to manipulate us into acquiescing to their needs.

Clearly, we’re no longer who we used to be. And that can be confusing as hell. Yet they may be missing the biggest change … we’ve finally said yes to our true self, the small voice inside that’s wanted to be seen and recognized for who she or he is, not what others expect us to be.

Still, showing up as our trues selves is often uncomfortable, especially if we value our relationships and the opinions of others. It can be scary to share our voice, stand up for our beliefs, or put our needs before others’. Truthfully, people may fall away, even those who we thought were our closest friends. But if others cannot accept us as who we are—without the masks—then are they meant for us or us for them?

Whether you label this desired state of being as joy, contentment, pleasure, or peace, no one can give it to us … not our spouse, our children, our pets, or our friends. Happiness is an inside job. It is our responsibility. Because when we expect others to be the source, we only become disenchanted with the world around us.

Regardless of how much we love people—and despite what Jerry Maguire told Dorothy Boyd—no one is here on Earth to “complete” us. Courageously presenting in our authenticity and being unafraid of what others may think is what leads to feeling whole and comfortable in our skin. It's living our truth—as terrifying as it may be to break comfortable patterns and disappoint others—that begins the path to happiness.

But when does the “lightness” in relationships Kishimi speaks of begin to surface? After all, feeling disliked is anything but “light.”

With time, the people we love—and who love us—either accept we’re no longer who we once were, or we slowly begin to hold less relevance in each other’s lives. While they might not totally get us, tension lifts, making space for this “lightness” to appear.

But there’s more. It becomes clear we’re done playing games, compromising our needs, and accepting crumbs. Relieved to finally be ourselves—no matter where we are or who we’re with—happiness eases its way into our days. And before we know it, we are at peace and filled with joy.